Friday, October 17, 2014

Third Trimester Update: fears, hopes and dreams

I am starting to slack off on doing these bump pictures. Mostly because I'm usually wearing pajamas, with no bra, and a face full of "I woke up like this". Last night however I managed to put on a cute outfit and actually do my hair and makeup because my in-laws were taking my hubby and I out to dinner to celebrate my birthday. You know it's been a while since you've gotten dolled up when your husband can't stop commenting on how pretty you are. He seriously raved about it, which made me realize that he hasn't seen me dressed up and looking sexy in quite some time. Something I hope to remember and do a better job at...even when baby comes (but we'll see lol).

So all four of us went to dinner at this great little Italian place on Sullivan's Island called the Obstinate Daughter. The meal was great and despite some awkwardness, the conversation flowed well and we all had a great time. It didn't hurt that Matt and both his parents probably drank a bottle of wine to the face (while I soberly sipped on my water) Aah in-laws.

So I am entering the phase of pregnancy that everyone dreads....the last month. I've got about five weeks left, give or take some days, and I have hit a weird phase. I am at once, both excited with anticipation and terrified. I feel like there is so much longer to be pregnant, and I also feel like this baby is coming fast! It is so bizarre to be on this knife edge of emotions and be going back and forth multiple times a day.

I am down-to-my-bones terrified of having a baby. I know deep down that I will be a great mom, I've always wanted to be a mom and I already love this little girl so much it makes me cry. What I am terrified of is the unknown, mostly the labor, delivery and aftermath that will ravage my body, mind and emotions. My mom had postpartum depression after she had me and she told me that it can be hereditary. In all honesty there is a history of depression in my family and I am terrified that it will rear its ugly head in me at the moment when I should be experiencing the greatest joy.

Besides the emotional fallout of having a baby, I am definitely scared of the physical act of birthing a human out of my vagina. Like, how exactly is it going to fit? I am well aware of my body and I just cannot wrap my head around the fact that the same lady bits that get a bit sore after some rough sex are going to stretch enough accomodate an entire person....that just seems like some crazy science fiction shit. Then, of course, being big and pregnant every woman wants to tell me their story or their friends story, or their cousins story about how they tore their entire perineum, or the baby had such a big head it broke their tail bone, or any number of other gruesome things that I do not want to be hearing. I still remember being traumatized from watching the birthing video in 8th-grade biology...I DO NOT need to hear about some other woman's emergency will NOT make me more prepared, or less anxious. The crazy thing is that almost everyone I've talked to said that the labor wasn't that bad!! That the recovery once you're home, and off the drugs, and taking care of the newborn is the worst. That you bleed for weeks and you're sore, and going pee is like a 30 minute exercise in hospital-grade hygiene. 

And then....there are the baby books. Matt and I decided it was a good idea to read up as much as we can about the first few months of having a baby because we really don't have a clue what to expect. So we bought three very well respected and recommended books and i can summarize all three in a few short words: It's all down hill from here. Yes there is the outpouring of happy hormones and you are all in love with your baby, but physically, you've just lived through the equivalent of breaking all your bones at once while being set on fire...and now, a tiny human is chewing your nipples off. I might be blowing the recovery time way out of proportion, and I do hear those love hormones really do send you into euphoria as soon as you hold your new little miracle...but while I'm over here on the still pregnant side of things, it just sounds awful.

I don't want to sound like I am bitching too hard. I know that being able to get pregnant in and of itself is a miracle and I honestly have had an easy pregnancy and enjoyed the feeling of growing my child...but I wouldn't be me and it wouldn't be honest to say that I am looking forward to every moment of the next six weeks. I've got about a month left of being pregnant and it is starting to suck. There's no way around it. Last night I ended up with such horrific back pain that I needed Matt to lean on in order to walk to the bedroom! I literally felt like I had broken my tail bone or something had gone seriously wrong. The baby is growing so much that the pressure on my ribs feels like I might pop one out of place and the pressure on my lungs is making it hard to breathe and causing my heart to race.

Alright....switching gears. No one needs to read any more bitching from an 8 month pregnant lady who didn't sleep last night. What I want to end this post on is a positive note, so now I will tell you all about everything I am excited for.

First and foremost, I can't wait to meet my daughter. It sounds really corny but I am so unbelievably in love with Matt that I think it is the coolest miracle in the universe that we have come together to make this brand new person that is our two souls combined. She is going to be a part of both of us and the greatest way to celebrate our love. I couldn't be more excited for Matt to be her dad, and for me to be her mom. I can't wait to see what she looks like, what her personality is like, who she is. I can't wait to raise her to love life, and to always look on the sunny side of things. I can't wait to watch her grow and change every day and to see her first moments. not even the big moments. Like, do you remember the first time you tried ice cream? or the first time you saw the ocean? I get to see those first moments in her life, the ones that she wont remember or think of as milestones. I get to watch this glorious little person discover the world!! I get to watch her be curious and excited about everything! I get to read to her at night and start family traditions that she will cherish for a lifetime. Matt and I get to show her what a marriage should be, and she will learn through our example that a happy home is full of music and laughter and silliness and cuddles. We will sing silly songs and teach her how to tie her shoes.

I can't wait for all of it. I am so in awe of it all. It really is the most amazing thing I will ever do with my life, and the most important. If I can live a long life, and have my only accomplishment be that I was a good wife and mother, I will die a happy old woman warm in my Rose from Titanic (lol).


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