I'm Not a Good Mom

I'm not a good mom. Let's get that out of the way. Saying that gets all the pressure off, and believe me there is a TON of pressure. If I were to be judged on the bell curve of moms and wives I would say I fall in the middle-upper range. I don't give my kid junk to eat, I keep her safe and try and keep her happy. And somehow I ALWAYS feel like I am failing.

I feel like I am either failing at being a mom, a wife, or a housekeeper at all times. On most days I am mediocre at all three and have a bad attitude to boot. My poor freakin' saint of a husband works all day, comes home, straps the baby to his chest an proceeds to vacuum/do laundry/dishes etc. He is some sort of superhero and it makes me feel about two inches tall. Like: how come I couldn't have just done that?

Every day of my life with Lyla I begin with the grandest intentions of deep cleaning the bathrooms, or doing a full shop at Wholefoods and planning out delicious and healthy meals for the week ahead of time, or even engaging my child in homemade crafty educational games. Want to know how that usually turns out? haha not even close. I go to the gym most days because they have cheap babysitting and I love my enorphins. (Don't worry, I am also failing at having a flawless post-baby beach body because I love wine and carbs too much, so add that to another on my list of shortcomings). After the gym we play in her playroom...usually with the t.v. on (another fail) and I let her watch some shows while eating lunch. We play. We play some more. Then around 2pm she goes down for her nap in a fit of screams and protests and all my intentions of deep cleaning anything go out the window with the sight of my cozy bed and the promise of an episode of The Real Housewives on my DVR.

Inevitably she doesn't nap for as long as she should and I get her up, and nurse her and we start with the playing over again. Sometimes we will go out for an afternoon activity where I inevitably end up spending money (another fail) and then I pray for the time to pass quickly till bedtime. Then the mom guilt sets in that I want my baby to go to bed so I can have some peace. and the guilt over not accomplishing ANYTHING of value that day. and the guilt that I will need two (maybe three) glasses of wine to unwind and feel like myself again. Then I will cook dinner...every night I cook and that is by far my only and biggest contribution to the household on a daily basis.

After dinner my husband and I will crawl into bed at an unreasonably early hour and I will try and muster up the energy to enthusiastically have sex because, hey, my hubby is a dude and oh yea, did I mention he wants to get pregnant again ASAP?

I must fail at a thousand things a day, constantly leaving someone in the dust (my husband, the house, the dogs, the baby, myself) and feeling guilty about it all. I must be the least qualified housewife and mother on the planet and somehow my husband never complains and loves me anyway. He even tells me I am beautiful and sexy on a daily basis. He is a saint. and I am not a good mom, but then again...I don't think pinterest really prepared me for this reality. Somewhere in the sea of Montisorri activities for toddlers, and how to decorate a perfect playroom they forgot to mention how to juggle it all. How to keep a house clean, a baby happy and a husband satisfied all while looking and feeling great.

Some day I will figure it out and become a supermom...but not today. Because the baby is up and I've got to survive.

XOXO

Lisa

We Are NOT In This Together

Before Lyla arrived my husband and I did everything together. I mean everything...I don't think we took separate showers until I was too pregnant to fit in the shower with him. Since the baby, things have changed. We are leading separate lives. Mine is consumed with all things baby, and his is filled with everything else.

The last two weeks has been particularly difficult because Lyla has reached the dreaded 4-month sleep regression. Basically, your normal sleep routine with your little one is completely disrupted and they are back up several times a night. In our case, Lyla has also been fighting sleep with all she's got. This has led to exhaustion, exacerbation and a lot of frustration between Matt and I.

It has come to my attention very abruptly that WE ARE NOT IN THIS TOGETHER.

What I mean by this is that I, as the mother, am entirely responsible (or at least 90%) responsible for the well-being of our child. Some of you may say "well, duh!" but for me this has come as a surprise. I thought  assumed we would share parenting duties equally. Boy, was I wrong. I am now a stay at home mom and the baby is my job. I am not saying that Matt isn't helpful, in fact he is more help than about 90% of the fathers I have seen in action. He changes every diaper he can, he works from home when he can so he can be here with us, and he has a genuine gift with the baby. However, he is also a man and in being so he was born with certain disadvantages as a co-parent. He cannot feed the baby...ever. We are exclusively breastfeeding and so every two hours or so I am called upon to unleash the milk machine and feed our baby. More than just feeding duties, he, as a man, simply is not equipped with the natural instincts needed to comfort our fussy infant.

Men generally don't know what they're doing. I mean, as new parents we all don't know what we're doing but as a mother I am born with the necessary instincts to know what my baby needs. I can tell when she is hungry, tired, wet, bored, or in need of some cuddles. To my husband...they all sound the same, and the crying is unbearable. He constantly asks if I should feed her...like my tits are the magical baby mute button. It's frustrating...like, just rock her dude!

Playing the separate roles of mommy and daddy have put a strain on our relationship. I am secure enough in our bond to say that we have never hated each other more. Yes, hate is a strong word, but we're a pretty dramatic duo. We tell each other to fuck off and generally we both get over it. But, I will say that I get very frustrated when he doesn't know what to do or how to help and he gets frustrated when I am hitting my limit with the baby and can no longer speak in nice calm tones.

I am so so SO thankful that Matt and I are such a strong couple because having a baby does everything it can to break you up. If Matt and I didn't have such strong communication I don't know how we would do it.

UPDATE:: Since beginning this post things have gotten WAAAY better. We are starting to sleep train Lyla and we have discussed and coped with our exhaustion and frustration and we are in a much better place. This whole baby thing is a roller-coaster and it is constantly changing so we are changing an adapting along with it. Matt and I are best friends and can make it through anything smiling because we can talk it out, call each other assholes and laugh about it all five minutes later. Thank GOD for my husband!

XOXO

Lisa

What No One Told Me

I have a few moments of quiet before Lyla wakes up, so I figured I would try and get something posted. I've been wanting to write this post for a few weeks now because I was completely blindsided by the whole postpartum process.

So here it is...The Things NO ONE tells you:

1. Labor Isn't A Big Deal
I was pretty surprised by this and explained it in more detail in my last post, but I psyched myself out for weeks before Lyla was born and for no good reason. I understand not everyone's experience is the same but my labor experience was extremely positive, thanks in large part to an awesome staff, chilled out music, and drugs. P.S. Get the epidural!!!

2. Post Labor is Way Worse Than Labor (contractions)
Everyone tells you about their labor story...no one talks about post-labor. It took me hours to regain the use of my legs after the epidural wore off and once I could move I felt like a hobbled invalid. All of my muscles hurt from all the intense pushing I had just done and I couldn't stand up straight for about a day. Also, as soon as you start breastfeeding, which is pretty much immediately, you experience the worst contractions you have ever felt. It was ten times worse than any pain I had felt during labor.

3. The Epidural
I had no idea what an epidural really was...sounds dumb right? well in case y'all are like me and think it is just a shot in the back, let me educate you. An epidural is actually a catheter (tube) that is inserted into your spine and pumps medicine continuously into your nervous system.

4. Postpartum Emotional Mind-Fuck
If you have a medicated birth like I did, be prepared for the after effects. You know that feeling when you come down from a three-night alcohol and drug fueled bender? That empty, delirious feeling you have when you watch the sun come up on a Sunday morning and realize you haven't eaten or slept for way longer than is medically recommended? Sure you do...we've all been there at least once. Well..that's precisely how I felt the night after giving birth. When they took Lyla to the nursery and we were trying to get some much-needed sleep, I all of a sudden felt emotionally drained; devoid of all those new-mom love fuzzies I was supposed to be feeling. I became paranoid that I was never going to bond with my baby and that I was slipping into PPD. Of course I wasn't, but it hadn't occurred to me just how many powerful drugs I had been on for the last 12 hours and what coming down from them would feel like. Once I got some sleep and woke up to the cries of my new baby the next morning, all was right again, but I wish I had known what to expect there.

4. Postpartum Bleeding
Nothing can really prepare you for the amount of blood that will be coming out of your vagina for the foreseeable future. Be sure to stock up (and I mean STOCK UP) on maxi pads and granny panties - if unlike me you don't already own several pairs. I had heard that you bleed postpartum. I had even heard that you need pads on hand. What I wasn't prepared for is the giant ball sized clots of blood that will make their way out of your crotch unexpectedly, or that I would feel a gush of liquid every time I stood up. I also was unprepared to bleed consistently for a month....it makes your period look like a breeze!

5. Breastfeeding Is Hard!
I have had a love/hate (but mostly hate) relationship with breastfeeding from the beginning. I am lucky to have not had any problems with supply, and my baby is more than happy to eat exclusively from my massive tatas. However, I'm just going to say it: it fucking sucks. Breastfeeding has to be the biggest bait and switch of the whole baby experience. You expect it to be uncomfortable but the level of pain you experience just trying to feed your child is unparalleled and seems pretty unnatural. I mean, why would it be so damn painful and difficult if this is the way nature intended you to feed your child?! It makes no sense and I wasn't prepared. There were MANY nights in the early weeks where I would almost be brought to tears by the sensation of her little toothless mouth sucking away on my nipple. My toes would curl and I would cry to my husband that there HAS to be a better way. I felt like quitting a lot, but I knew that wasn't an option for me. I had made the decision to breastfeed my baby as long as I physically could and since my milk was producing fine, I had to literally bear the pain until it got easier. The upside? It DOES get easier. Around the 3rd or 4th week it slowly started to get better and now 5 weeks postpartum I don't need to use a nipple shield and it barely hurts anymore.

6. Night Sweats
Now this is one thing I never even heard about before. Every time I fell asleep I woke up in a puddle of sweat. Drenched. Every. Single. Time. Even while napping. I came to find out that this is entirely normal and that it can last for months after giving birth. So not only are you covered in breast milk (from spraying yourself or from being spit up on) but you also sweat like an Olympic wrestler on steroids. Be prepared to change your sheets and your pajamas often.

7. There Is No Normal
So stop asking. The only answer I ever got about my pregnancy, labor, postpartum recovery and newborn care is that "everyone is different" or "every baby is different". You will get through it all the best you can but no one can tell you what to expect or what your experience will be. Some women have really rough pregnancies, with morning sickness the entire time and horrific pain and some women never get nauseous at all. Some women have a baby bump and 15 extra pounds on them in the first trimester and some start showing a month before they give birth. Some babies sleep through the night from birth and others scream bloody murder until they're two years old. It's all relative, it's all an extreme crap shoot so prepare for the worst and hope for the best and you'll most likely fall somewhere in the middle.

So that's my two cents. That is what I have learned as a first-time mom and I keep learning every day. It should be a sign of things to come that I started this post 2 weeks after Lyla was born and I am just now finishing it 5 weeks post birth. There is no more "down time". The house is a mess, I'm exhausted and this will be my big activity for the day....and it's time to feed her again :-)

XOXO

Lisa

Nesting: Baking Edition

So I've got about a month left of pregnancy. I'm bored, I'm anxious, and I am in fear of the unknown.

All of these factors lead to some serious nesting. Nesting is a syndrome that most women experience in different ways and at different times. My nesting has come in different forms, but I first noticed it in the second trimester when I all of a sudden became a clean freak. If you know me well, you know that I am FAR from a clean freak...some would even describe me as messy or dirty. All of a sudden I was doing daily loads of laundry, keeping the bathrooms clean and making the bed daily. Unfortunately, as I eased into the physical exhaustion of the third trimester my nesting has switched gears from cleaning to cooking. For example, as I sit here writing this post, my bathrooms counters and toilets are in desperate need of a cleaning and disinfecting...and what am I about to do? Bake oatmeal cookies.

Pregnancy has turned me into Betty-fuckin-Crocker and I HATED baking before. I am a private chef and would always try and convince my clients to choose an ice cream or cheese plate for dessert because of my serious disdain for the pastry arts. Now, 8 months pregnant, I am whipping up banana breads, cookies and cake recipes for pleasure. This has been the biggest and most noticeable change in my personality since entering the third trimester. My husband loves it by the way. He has always had a sweet tooth and grew up with a mom who just kept tupperware full of homemade fudge and baked goods on the kitchen counter at all times.

So I'm off, to bake cookies...not clean my bathroom like I should. And I can't feel at all bad about it, because as everyone keeps telling me these stress-free days of daytime t.v. watching and leisure baking are numbered. Soon a little squishy tyrant will be calling the shots and running the house and I will be lucky to shower and eat in the same day, let alone bake anything or Clorox a bathroom counter.

XOXO

Lisa

Third Trimester Update: fears, hopes and dreams

I am starting to slack off on doing these bump pictures. Mostly because I'm usually wearing pajamas, with no bra, and a face full of "I woke up like this". Last night however I managed to put on a cute outfit and actually do my hair and makeup because my in-laws were taking my hubby and I out to dinner to celebrate my birthday. You know it's been a while since you've gotten dolled up when your husband can't stop commenting on how pretty you are. He seriously raved about it, which made me realize that he hasn't seen me dressed up and looking sexy in quite some time. Something I hope to remember and do a better job at...even when baby comes (but we'll see lol).

So all four of us went to dinner at this great little Italian place on Sullivan's Island called the Obstinate Daughter. The meal was great and despite some awkwardness, the conversation flowed well and we all had a great time. It didn't hurt that Matt and both his parents probably drank a bottle of wine to the face (while I soberly sipped on my water) Aah in-laws.

So I am entering the phase of pregnancy that everyone dreads....the last month. I've got about five weeks left, give or take some days, and I have hit a weird phase. I am at once, both excited with anticipation and terrified. I feel like there is so much longer to be pregnant, and I also feel like this baby is coming fast! It is so bizarre to be on this knife edge of emotions and be going back and forth multiple times a day.

I am down-to-my-bones terrified of having a baby. I know deep down that I will be a great mom, I've always wanted to be a mom and I already love this little girl so much it makes me cry. What I am terrified of is the unknown, mostly the labor, delivery and aftermath that will ravage my body, mind and emotions. My mom had postpartum depression after she had me and she told me that it can be hereditary. In all honesty there is a history of depression in my family and I am terrified that it will rear its ugly head in me at the moment when I should be experiencing the greatest joy.

Besides the emotional fallout of having a baby, I am definitely scared of the physical act of birthing a human out of my vagina. Like, how exactly is it going to fit? I am well aware of my body and I just cannot wrap my head around the fact that the same lady bits that get a bit sore after some rough sex are going to stretch enough accomodate an entire person....that just seems like some crazy science fiction shit. Then, of course, being big and pregnant every woman wants to tell me their story or their friends story, or their cousins story about how they tore their entire perineum, or the baby had such a big head it broke their tail bone, or any number of other gruesome things that I do not want to be hearing. I still remember being traumatized from watching the birthing video in 8th-grade biology...I DO NOT need to hear about some other woman's emergency c-section...it will NOT make me more prepared, or less anxious. The crazy thing is that almost everyone I've talked to said that the labor wasn't that bad!! That the recovery once you're home, and off the drugs, and taking care of the newborn is the worst. That you bleed for weeks and you're sore, and going pee is like a 30 minute exercise in hospital-grade hygiene. 

And then....there are the baby books. Matt and I decided it was a good idea to read up as much as we can about the first few months of having a baby because we really don't have a clue what to expect. So we bought three very well respected and recommended books and i can summarize all three in a few short words: It's all down hill from here. Yes there is the outpouring of happy hormones and you are all in love with your baby, but physically, you've just lived through the equivalent of breaking all your bones at once while being set on fire...and now, a tiny human is chewing your nipples off. I might be blowing the recovery time way out of proportion, and I do hear those love hormones really do send you into euphoria as soon as you hold your new little miracle...but while I'm over here on the still pregnant side of things, it just sounds awful.

I don't want to sound like I am bitching too hard. I know that being able to get pregnant in and of itself is a miracle and I honestly have had an easy pregnancy and enjoyed the feeling of growing my child...but I wouldn't be me and it wouldn't be honest to say that I am looking forward to every moment of the next six weeks. I've got about a month left of being pregnant and it is starting to suck. There's no way around it. Last night I ended up with such horrific back pain that I needed Matt to lean on in order to walk to the bedroom! I literally felt like I had broken my tail bone or something had gone seriously wrong. The baby is growing so much that the pressure on my ribs feels like I might pop one out of place and the pressure on my lungs is making it hard to breathe and causing my heart to race.

Alright....switching gears. No one needs to read any more bitching from an 8 month pregnant lady who didn't sleep last night. What I want to end this post on is a positive note, so now I will tell you all about everything I am excited for.

First and foremost, I can't wait to meet my daughter. It sounds really corny but I am so unbelievably in love with Matt that I think it is the coolest miracle in the universe that we have come together to make this brand new person that is our two souls combined. She is going to be a part of both of us and the greatest way to celebrate our love. I couldn't be more excited for Matt to be her dad, and for me to be her mom. I can't wait to see what she looks like, what her personality is like, who she is. I can't wait to raise her to love life, and to always look on the sunny side of things. I can't wait to watch her grow and change every day and to see her first moments. not even the big moments. Like, do you remember the first time you tried ice cream? or the first time you saw the ocean? I get to see those first moments in her life, the ones that she wont remember or think of as milestones. I get to watch this glorious little person discover the world!! I get to watch her be curious and excited about everything! I get to read to her at night and start family traditions that she will cherish for a lifetime. Matt and I get to show her what a marriage should be, and she will learn through our example that a happy home is full of music and laughter and silliness and cuddles. We will sing silly songs and teach her how to tie her shoes.

I can't wait for all of it. I am so in awe of it all. It really is the most amazing thing I will ever do with my life, and the most important. If I can live a long life, and have my only accomplishment be that I was a good wife and mother, I will die a happy old woman warm in my bed............like Rose from Titanic (lol).

XOXO

Lisa

Fitness and Health While Pregnant

My 24 week pregnant self

The theory with fitness and wellness during pregnancy is that pregnancy is not an excuse. Since I've been reading the message boards on the What To Expect app, I have noticed how many women are using pregnancy as an excuse to go all out, and I mean ALL out in regards to their diets. They post pictures and comments about their cravings and indulgences, constantly one-upping each other with more and more trash that they are putting into their bodies.

I should have prefaced this post with the fact that I am a food snob. As a professional chef and a slow food advocate I am a 100% believer in the power of sustainable, local, real food. I have read books on the subject of nutrition and would say that I am pretty knowledgeable on the subject of food. That being said, I don't diet and I LOVE food. I simply eat when I'm hungry and try and make the best choice as to what I put in my body. I love good food, especially carbs and make no apologies for not living a gluten-free existence. I take food very seriously and even more so now that I am pregnant.

This is a time in our lives as women that our decisions on food and wellness are affecting our growing babies and setting the stage for their health and behavior later in life. It is already proven that starting around week 22, a fetus can start to actually taste the food you are eating! It makes me so sad to hear about women drinking soda and eating fast food during pregnancy because they just "had to have it!" because your baby is being exposed to harmful chemicals, preservatives and insane amounts of sodium and processed sugar.

As a pregnant woman myself I call bullsh*t on the craving excuse. Of course there have been times when something especially bad for me sounded great, but you improvise, you satisfy your craving in other ways, or else you satisfy the craving in moderation. The most common pregnancy cravings are for sweets and even I have had them on occasion. My solution is eating fresh fruit. It's the summer here in South Carolina and there are several farms right up the road and let me tell you, nothing you can get from Dairy Queen tastes as good as a farm fresh peach. I seriously can't get enough fruit and have stocked my fridge with fabulous seasonal options like watermelon, nectarines, cherries, peaches and melon. I have also made sure to have squares of dark chocolate and almonds on hand when I need something a little more decadent. The antioxidants in dark chocolate are actually beneficial to your body (especially if you're staying active) and the almonds add a nutritious crunch that adds to the yumminess.

Now on to fitness. I hate working out. I've always been an active person but it has always been a love/hate relationship with exercise. I'm not the girl who loves to wake up at 5:30am and make it to two classes before 9am. I enjoy sleep and on the scale of 1 to lazy, I would rank myself close to sloth-status. However, it's a necessary evil, like going to the doctor or brushing your teeth. In my book, there is no option, you work out, you stay active and you sleep better knowing that you are taking proper care of yourself. Sure, I would love a perfect body and six-pack abs like a Victoria's Secret model but I have made peace with the fact that a) I'm not built that way, and b) I love food too much to ever have 4% body fat. I'm satisfied with staying trim and trying to ease gracefully into my 30's without letting my cellulite spread too rapidly.

Pregnancy makes working out even more tedious. You're exhausted, your body hurts (for good reason) and the notion of exerting extra energy seems impossible. My tip is to give yourself a break in the first trimester. I beat myself up for taking a few weeks away from my normal gym routine once the morning sickness and exhaustion set in. I was terrified that I would never get back to working out and as a result would spend my pregnancy in sweat pants on the couch growing fatter. This was not the case. Once the second trimester hit I felt like myself again and back to the gym I went. You have to modify your workouts to accommodate your growing and changing body, but for the most part I do everything I used to do pre-pregnancy.

Believe it or not, working out helps a LOT with the symptoms you will undoubtedly deal with. I prefer yoga and weight lifting with moderate cardio mixed in. Everyone needs to find what works for them but the key is to stay active! It will make it much easier to lose weight postpartum (so I've been told) and get back to your before baby body.

Pregnancy is an incredible time but it definitely comes with its fair share of challenges. Keeping yourself healthy and active not only benefits you during the journey, it will give your baby a step-up in life from day one.

XOXO

Lisa

Gender Equality...?

Has anything really changed since 1950? and more importantly, do we want it to?

Back in the golden age of yesteryear the gender roles were clearly defined. Men go to work, and provide for the family. The woman stays home to tend the house and children. These lines had been drawn since the dawn of man, but in our generation, women seem to think that subscribing to their traditional roles and wives and mothers somehow belittles their worth or their ambitions outside of the home. Have we, the fairer sex, convinced ourselves that our worth is best measured by our career or educational accomplishments? And furthermore, what has this done to the state of matrimony?

I have never considered myself a feminist, so those who are inclined to burn their bras and blame men for their problems had better stop reading right now. I believe in the yin and the yang of the universe, that each thing has an equal yet opposite counterpart. We believe this to be true in science and yet not in discussing social equality. Everyone has to be on the same playing field. We have gone so far as to completely ignore biological biases in gender, race or ethnicity. We are all different, men, women, different races, people from different parts of the world are all genetically designed differently. But back to my main point which is, if we assume that everyone is created with a unique set of skills, then why would it surprise anyone that women are best suited to the home?

Let us take out the antiquated presumption that women HAVE to stay home from this discussion and just talk about the present state of things. In a world where a woman is encouraged to seek employment outside of the home, are they happier? Do marriages work better with a career driven woman?

Some would argue that they are. There is definitely a sense of fulfillment you get from working and making your own money. But, I would argue that there are some unforeseen consequences.The first of which is a power struggle in the relationship between the traditional provider, the husband, and the career focused wife. When the woman makes more money, do the power roles shift? Does the man feel less like the provider and protector of his family? And does a wife feel the added burden of juggling both the home duties and the money making? I am the first to admit that I don't have the answers. My home/work situation is extremely unique because I am an entrepreneur who works mainly from home AND I am also not a domestic goddess by any means. But the question is worth thinking about. Were things easier when we all knew where we stood and what was expected of us? Are marriage and gender roles being re-written as more and more women forgo children and marriage for the money and prestige of high paying jobs? What will marriages look like in 50 more years? Will women continue to fight for equality to the point of eradicating chivalry and courting lest it be construed as sexist? And the most interesting question is, is this good for us as a species?