I'm Not a Good Mom

I'm not a good mom. Let's get that out of the way. Saying that gets all the pressure off, and believe me there is a TON of pressure. If I were to be judged on the bell curve of moms and wives I would say I fall in the middle-upper range. I don't give my kid junk to eat, I keep her safe and try and keep her happy. And somehow I ALWAYS feel like I am failing.

I feel like I am either failing at being a mom, a wife, or a housekeeper at all times. On most days I am mediocre at all three and have a bad attitude to boot. My poor freakin' saint of a husband works all day, comes home, straps the baby to his chest an proceeds to vacuum/do laundry/dishes etc. He is some sort of superhero and it makes me feel about two inches tall. Like: how come I couldn't have just done that?

Every day of my life with Lyla I begin with the grandest intentions of deep cleaning the bathrooms, or doing a full shop at Wholefoods and planning out delicious and healthy meals for the week ahead of time, or even engaging my child in homemade crafty educational games. Want to know how that usually turns out? haha not even close. I go to the gym most days because they have cheap babysitting and I love my enorphins. (Don't worry, I am also failing at having a flawless post-baby beach body because I love wine and carbs too much, so add that to another on my list of shortcomings). After the gym we play in her playroom...usually with the t.v. on (another fail) and I let her watch some shows while eating lunch. We play. We play some more. Then around 2pm she goes down for her nap in a fit of screams and protests and all my intentions of deep cleaning anything go out the window with the sight of my cozy bed and the promise of an episode of The Real Housewives on my DVR.

Inevitably she doesn't nap for as long as she should and I get her up, and nurse her and we start with the playing over again. Sometimes we will go out for an afternoon activity where I inevitably end up spending money (another fail) and then I pray for the time to pass quickly till bedtime. Then the mom guilt sets in that I want my baby to go to bed so I can have some peace. and the guilt over not accomplishing ANYTHING of value that day. and the guilt that I will need two (maybe three) glasses of wine to unwind and feel like myself again. Then I will cook dinner...every night I cook and that is by far my only and biggest contribution to the household on a daily basis.

After dinner my husband and I will crawl into bed at an unreasonably early hour and I will try and muster up the energy to enthusiastically have sex because, hey, my hubby is a dude and oh yea, did I mention he wants to get pregnant again ASAP?

I must fail at a thousand things a day, constantly leaving someone in the dust (my husband, the house, the dogs, the baby, myself) and feeling guilty about it all. I must be the least qualified housewife and mother on the planet and somehow my husband never complains and loves me anyway. He even tells me I am beautiful and sexy on a daily basis. He is a saint. and I am not a good mom, but then again...I don't think pinterest really prepared me for this reality. Somewhere in the sea of Montisorri activities for toddlers, and how to decorate a perfect playroom they forgot to mention how to juggle it all. How to keep a house clean, a baby happy and a husband satisfied all while looking and feeling great.

Some day I will figure it out and become a supermom...but not today. Because the baby is up and I've got to survive.

XOXO

Lisa

Buzzing Philosophical

it finally happened! a whole evening to myself!! The baby is asleep, Matt is off doing a seminar for work and I am home reveling in the silence and drinking wine by myself. So here it is...a semi-buzzed synopsis of my life as it stands.

My life is fucking incredible. Let's just get that out of the way. I live the American dream with a best friend husband who is my own personal version of Paul Rudd and a baby that could be the next Cabbage Patch spokesperson 2015. We just moved into a new house in a gold course neighborhood and pretty much all my life expectations have been met thus far. I am going to include photos of our new house here because I've been too busy to write a post about all he renovations we've done.

Okay so the house stuff is going great...those were just photos of the parts of the house that we have good before and after photos of but I will add more I promise.

Anyways...motherhood. I have literally become what I used to consider to be such a cliche. I am a suburban stay-at-home mom with a diamond on my hand, driving around in an Audi and going to the gym most days. I quietly hope it doesn't make me lame. I'm sure it does. I used to be so adventurous and now I am the picture of normalcy. Actually...I want to take that part back. Matt and I are not normal. Matt and I are the exception. Remember in that movie "He's Just Not That Into You" when Ginnifer Goodwin went all stalker crazy and told Jennifer Aniston and that annoying dark haired chick about how there are girls who are exceptions to the rules of dating. I would elaborate to make sure you're folling me but I am CERTAIN that you know exactly what I am talking about. Well..the "rule" of marriages (from what I have witnessed and learned) is this: husbands and wives have together time and they have apart time. Men typically enjoy their time away from their wives and wives like to get together and complain about their husbands. They [husbands and wives] are two separate parts of one machine that may or may not be compatible for long term. That, to me, is the "rule". The proof in the pudding, so to speak, is the statistic that we all know: 50% of marriages end in divorce. To me, this is not surprising. I have seen a LOT of couples who I would not be surprised if they didn't make it five, ten, or fifteen years from now. I am not trying to get on a high horse or anything but I am 1000% sure that Matt and I will be together forever. We are the "exception". We are the best friends that happen to have sex and raise babies together. 

Anyway...My wine buzzed ass has gotten horrendously off topic. What I wanted to talk about was motherhood. 

I am now 8.5 months into motherhood. Lyla is scooting/crawling around, has two teeth and claps, reaches out for me, and is a very opinionated little lady. More than I want to talk about the marvels of my obviously extraordinary first born I wanted to take a moment and talk about motherhood. I have written about it before on here but it has been a while. If you can't tell I am not the flower child of motherhood. Yes, I still breastfeed my infant but I will not homeschool or let her be on the boob till she's 5. Breastfeeding has actually been my least favorite part of having a baby. God help the second kid...they're definitely not being breastfed as long. If I am being honest...I fucking hate breastfeeding!......It feels good to say that. Lyla not only grazes on my tit all freakin day long but she has started this weird habit where she tweaks and pulls on my other nipple while she is feeding. She literally sucks on one nipple and grabs the other with her clawlike infant paws and tweaks my already mangled nipples like they're playdough. It's bullshit is what it is.

The reality is that it doesn't matter what she does anymore...it honestly doesn't matter if she grows up to be a serial killer, I will still love her. She tweaks my nipples and goes through these awful sleep regressions and requires 99% of my attention all the time and has made my boobs soft and saggy and you know what!? I would murder for that girl. If she called and told me she accidentally killed someone, I would dispose of the body no questions asked. This is how I know I am a mom. 

You do what you have to do and somehow its worth it.

XOXO

Lisa

My typical Day With a 11-week-old

My baby turns 11 weeks old tomorrow. For those who don't have children or are not pregnant, once you do/are the world forever is counted in weeks.

I realize I haven't posted in a while and that is entirely because of said 11-week-old infant. Every day is a little different and we haven't quite gotten on a schedule with her yet. I have also found out that some babies are strictly regimented by their parents from birth while others, like mine, have a basic order of operations for the day that has no concrete timing.

My usual day starts at 7am with her first feed, followed by 30 minutes of awake time before she is down again for a nap. During that awake time I try to drink a cup of coffee to rid myself of the drowsy after-effects of getting little sleep the night before.There also may or may not be a massive poopy diaper at this time, but my husband handles that. He also makes breakfast which is fantastic...after all, I am providing breakfast for our baby.

After her early morning feed I try and compose an idea of what the day ahead will hold. I find out what my hard-working husband has in store for the day and add up the total number of hours I will be home alone with Lyla. I figure most of that will be feeding, changing and napping...but I also try and fit in some tummy time (which she and I both hate doing) and some time to play. Playing at this age just really means talking to her and dangling toys in front of her face. During her naps I try to get some house-work done and watch some t.v.

The real struggle comes once 4pm hits. It's called the witching hour because your sweet predictable baby turns into Satan and is hell-bent on destroying your will to live. Lyla hasn't had a bad witching hour for almost two weeks...until last night. Beginning at 4pm she cried until 9pm. She didn't cry non-stop but she cried consistantly and nothing I did could make her stop. I rocked her, I walked with her, I put her in her swing which only made her cry harder. The few moments I got her to fall asleep she would instantly wake up if her binkie fell and start screaming bloody murder. Of course at 9pm when my husband walked through the door she was finally asleep, on me, and looked like an angel. I could've hung myself right then and there.

The whole day ends with me trying to create a bed time routine of feed, swaddle, and down in her basinet with white noise. This has worked so far and she seems to understand it is night time. How long she sleeps and how many times she wakes up at night is still kind of a crap chute. Typically, however, she eats between 9-11pm and wakes up around 2am, and 6am...this varies by two hours on either direction, some nights are better than others.

And then I wake up and do it all over again. One day I will put on jeans and makeup and have full days of activities with a happy baby that sleeps through the night. But today is not that day my friends. Today...and all the days that have come before it are about survival. Today is the day to be in my pajamas until 2pm when I change into spandex to "get dressed". Today is the day to have my tits on tap and available at a moments notice. Today is the day to be covered in breastmilk and get nothing accomplished except writing a blog post.

XOXO

Lisa

What No One Told Me

I have a few moments of quiet before Lyla wakes up, so I figured I would try and get something posted. I've been wanting to write this post for a few weeks now because I was completely blindsided by the whole postpartum process.

So here it is...The Things NO ONE tells you:

1. Labor Isn't A Big Deal
I was pretty surprised by this and explained it in more detail in my last post, but I psyched myself out for weeks before Lyla was born and for no good reason. I understand not everyone's experience is the same but my labor experience was extremely positive, thanks in large part to an awesome staff, chilled out music, and drugs. P.S. Get the epidural!!!

2. Post Labor is Way Worse Than Labor (contractions)
Everyone tells you about their labor story...no one talks about post-labor. It took me hours to regain the use of my legs after the epidural wore off and once I could move I felt like a hobbled invalid. All of my muscles hurt from all the intense pushing I had just done and I couldn't stand up straight for about a day. Also, as soon as you start breastfeeding, which is pretty much immediately, you experience the worst contractions you have ever felt. It was ten times worse than any pain I had felt during labor.

3. The Epidural
I had no idea what an epidural really was...sounds dumb right? well in case y'all are like me and think it is just a shot in the back, let me educate you. An epidural is actually a catheter (tube) that is inserted into your spine and pumps medicine continuously into your nervous system.

4. Postpartum Emotional Mind-Fuck
If you have a medicated birth like I did, be prepared for the after effects. You know that feeling when you come down from a three-night alcohol and drug fueled bender? That empty, delirious feeling you have when you watch the sun come up on a Sunday morning and realize you haven't eaten or slept for way longer than is medically recommended? Sure you do...we've all been there at least once. Well..that's precisely how I felt the night after giving birth. When they took Lyla to the nursery and we were trying to get some much-needed sleep, I all of a sudden felt emotionally drained; devoid of all those new-mom love fuzzies I was supposed to be feeling. I became paranoid that I was never going to bond with my baby and that I was slipping into PPD. Of course I wasn't, but it hadn't occurred to me just how many powerful drugs I had been on for the last 12 hours and what coming down from them would feel like. Once I got some sleep and woke up to the cries of my new baby the next morning, all was right again, but I wish I had known what to expect there.

4. Postpartum Bleeding
Nothing can really prepare you for the amount of blood that will be coming out of your vagina for the foreseeable future. Be sure to stock up (and I mean STOCK UP) on maxi pads and granny panties - if unlike me you don't already own several pairs. I had heard that you bleed postpartum. I had even heard that you need pads on hand. What I wasn't prepared for is the giant ball sized clots of blood that will make their way out of your crotch unexpectedly, or that I would feel a gush of liquid every time I stood up. I also was unprepared to bleed consistently for a month....it makes your period look like a breeze!

5. Breastfeeding Is Hard!
I have had a love/hate (but mostly hate) relationship with breastfeeding from the beginning. I am lucky to have not had any problems with supply, and my baby is more than happy to eat exclusively from my massive tatas. However, I'm just going to say it: it fucking sucks. Breastfeeding has to be the biggest bait and switch of the whole baby experience. You expect it to be uncomfortable but the level of pain you experience just trying to feed your child is unparalleled and seems pretty unnatural. I mean, why would it be so damn painful and difficult if this is the way nature intended you to feed your child?! It makes no sense and I wasn't prepared. There were MANY nights in the early weeks where I would almost be brought to tears by the sensation of her little toothless mouth sucking away on my nipple. My toes would curl and I would cry to my husband that there HAS to be a better way. I felt like quitting a lot, but I knew that wasn't an option for me. I had made the decision to breastfeed my baby as long as I physically could and since my milk was producing fine, I had to literally bear the pain until it got easier. The upside? It DOES get easier. Around the 3rd or 4th week it slowly started to get better and now 5 weeks postpartum I don't need to use a nipple shield and it barely hurts anymore.

6. Night Sweats
Now this is one thing I never even heard about before. Every time I fell asleep I woke up in a puddle of sweat. Drenched. Every. Single. Time. Even while napping. I came to find out that this is entirely normal and that it can last for months after giving birth. So not only are you covered in breast milk (from spraying yourself or from being spit up on) but you also sweat like an Olympic wrestler on steroids. Be prepared to change your sheets and your pajamas often.

7. There Is No Normal
So stop asking. The only answer I ever got about my pregnancy, labor, postpartum recovery and newborn care is that "everyone is different" or "every baby is different". You will get through it all the best you can but no one can tell you what to expect or what your experience will be. Some women have really rough pregnancies, with morning sickness the entire time and horrific pain and some women never get nauseous at all. Some women have a baby bump and 15 extra pounds on them in the first trimester and some start showing a month before they give birth. Some babies sleep through the night from birth and others scream bloody murder until they're two years old. It's all relative, it's all an extreme crap shoot so prepare for the worst and hope for the best and you'll most likely fall somewhere in the middle.

So that's my two cents. That is what I have learned as a first-time mom and I keep learning every day. It should be a sign of things to come that I started this post 2 weeks after Lyla was born and I am just now finishing it 5 weeks post birth. There is no more "down time". The house is a mess, I'm exhausted and this will be my big activity for the day....and it's time to feed her again :-)

XOXO

Lisa

Are You Doing Enough?....Overachievers and Why I Hate Them

As women we always feel the need to do it all. We work our asses off to become successful business women, friends, wives and mothers all the while trying to maintain a balance between being sexy and classy, smart and funny.

Sometimes it seems like some women have it all together. These superheroes of womanhood appear to have more hours in the day than regular people and use their time to build empires and become moguls. I'm talking about admirable women heroes like Lauren Conrad, Beyonce, Bethany Frankel the ultimate mom-ager Kris Jenner and my person hero, Giada DeLaurentis. These women wear many hats and work hard every day, putting the rest of us to shame. And they STILL find the time for an active social life, perfectly fit bodies, flawless makeup and hair oh yea, and a mess of kids on the side.

Role models like these are easy to look up to but let's face it, they're celebrities and therefore lead lives that aren't realistic expectations of reality. Then there are your real life friends and acquaintances who seem to be super-human.

Here are the women I'm talking about and why I, and most of the world could never live up to the bars they set:

1. The Woman Who Just Posted That She's Signed Up For Her 13th Marathon:
We get it. You run. You love to run. You love running so much you do it for fun, you do it in the rain, sleet, snow or dark of night. You would run around a house, and you would run behind a mouse. Running is becoming the new addiction to fat and skinny girls alike and ESPECIALLY by the formerly fat women that have run into a teeny tiny body and plan to run across the country until they are as famous as forest gump and his scraggly homeless-man beard. I could never, ever, EVER be this girl. I hate running and all its disciples. I blame this on the fact that I have flat feet and bad knees but in all honesty I am just a mouth breather who would only run in the case of an emergency situation and even then I would probably fall down and choose to die rather than run more that two miles.

2. The Woman Who Runs All Her Errands Before 9am (aka the morning person):
Good morning! Rise and shine. It's been said that most successful people wake up around 5am each morning. That being said, if that is true than doing all your errands before nine seems entirely reasonable. I even believe that it is probably a healthier way to live. After all, aren't we all supposed to go to bed with the sun and rise when it rises? unfortunately there is not one bone in my body that enjoys rising before 8am and since I run my own business in the food and beverage field, there is very little I NEED to do before 8am. I understand that I am in the vast minority of the working world but I can't explain to you how much I enjoy that fact. If there is ever a time in your life where you could be given the choice between waking up at 5am or at 8am, don't kid yourselves, you would sleep in too. This doesn't mean that I don't feel a pang of regret when I read the post of someone who has already been to the gym, grocery store, and dry cleaners all before I've had my morning coffee.

3. The Woman Who Announces an Engagement, Marriage, and Baby All In One Calender Year:
 This lady is on the fast track to her MRS degree. Extra points for accomplishing all of these milestones before you're two years out of college. Do not get me wrong, if you're truly in love and want to start a family then all power to you and may you be blessed with eternal happiness. I was also on the fast track once I met my husband and there are tons of people who looked at me like I was rushing into all of it (my family and his) so categorize me under this header if you must.

4. The Woman Who Does Pageants and Thinks We All Find This Impressive
These women are particularly annoying because they truly believe that beauty pageants are a "scholarship program". They believe themselves to be pseudo celebrities and therefore are all up on your news feed and instagram with crowns on their head and airbrushed makeup. I would also put C-list celebrities, ex-Real World cast members, reality stars and aspiring actors under this header as well. They spin this web of self-importance that usually makes you laugh but on a bad day, when you're hanging out in your comfy sweatpants and think to yourself "yea, I can totally go another day without shaving my legs" you are reminded that you should be eating a soy and kale salad while figure skating in full glam makeup. For that is the only way you get to the top. The hilarity of it all is that these beauty queen women are so involved with their own beauty (store bought or otherwise) that they believe they are a good representative of a role model when in reality the best they can hope for is for their 15 seconds of fame and beauty to last until they're 30. **The antithesis of this woman is my personal girl crush role model Jennifer Lawrence, who feels, as I do, that sometimes it's nice to stay home because you don't have to wear a bra - and that beauty queens, is what a real woman values.


5. The Woman Who Works At A Gym
Okay so these woman are the new age female equivalent to a meat head. Somehow being a gym junkie as a guy is much more embarrassing than as a woman because as women we are expected to look perfect and guys just have to have a good job and hopefully some good skills in the sack, a ripped body is only a plus for a dude. I will be the first to say that this needs to be corrected. Working at a gym is like telling me you care more about looking good than having a career.  It is also the perfect way to validate being obsessed with your body, because after all, it's your job! Do you own a gym? no? oh okay, so you do pilates all day...that's, something to be proud of. This is another woman who I could never be. Yes, I go to the gym and I work out...but I also work with food and own my own business. Moderation is the key to life and what man loves a super skinny muscle maniac anyway?

6. The Woman Who Travels The World and Seems to Have No Job:
I wish I knew the magical secret to free travel the way some of my friends do. They volunteer in Brazil, go sight-seeing in Paris, and rave all night in Berlin. Out of all of the women I will mention in this post these are the ones I am the most jealous of because, come on! Who does that?! These girls are also living out my childhood dream of being a nomad and living the oh so chic bohemian life of a world adventurer. There is something poetic and beautiful about their pictures and stories and it pulls at the heart strings of all of us who had dreamed of a life unsettled. I do not regret my choices and I absolutely love my life, but they're constant adventures just reminds me of the life I had originally envisioned for myself. A life of wanderlust, dashing exotic strangers and unexplored flavors.  

7. The Woman Who Has The Cutest, Most Well Behaved Kids Ever:
So far, this woman doesn't annoy me....because I'm not a mom. BUT, I can understand how this woman, with her perfectly styled children could make a real mom go insane. This woman brings her children into fancy restaurants and they order escargot and can go an entire meal without making a peep or a mess. These women make the regular mom pull her hair out because they have to change their kids shirts four times a day.

8. The Woman Who Volunteers While Earning a Doctorate and Writing A Childrens Book (aka Mother Teresa)
This woman is always fighting the good fight for the little guy and out of all the women I mention in this post, is the one who I have not one shred of animosity for. They are the kind and gentle souls who make this world a little bit better every day. They remind us all every day that yes, you could be doing more. We all get so wrapped up in our own lives that they are the ones that remind us to slow down and think about the less fortunate.

9. The Woman With The Spotless House:
The bane of my existence because I am messy messy girl. This woman loves her vacuum and constantly reminds me by her lemony-fresh home that I should be cleaning right now! The best example of this would be my mother-in-law, who I LOVE a lot but she seriously could be a professional organizer. This is no good for me as the daughter-in-law because she has high standards for her boys' abode and my skills do not cut it. I also find that I surround myself with girlfriends who are OCD and super tidy. Maybe it is because I am at the same time mystified and really impressed at this innate skill. These women are impressive on a whole other level for me because there is not one chance in hell that I will ever be like them. Maybe that is why I married a man with OCD.


In closing, this list is just my humorous way of reminding myself and all of us that there will always be someone better at something. The world is full of over acheiving women (and men) who seem to always striving to be the best. And then there's me...and a whole slew of women just like me who are janes-of-all-trades who do their best at doing it all. And hey, that's okay! I am not celebrating mediocrity. I am great at my job, I am a loving and faithful wife and I try my best to be a good person every day. That's all you can do with life, is try your best and strive for greatness in your own way.

XOXO

Lisa