Wednesday, March 30, 2016

36 Weeks: OH DEAR GOD

The title kind of sums up life right now. I'm 36 weeks pregnant with bub #2 and I am officially over it. I know, I know, I should enjoy every minute of these last days where I only have one little one to look after. BUT, this pregnancy has been so much harder than the last one that I can't help but wish it along towards the finish line.

I have enlisted an army of childcare help with Lyla in the form of her four local grandparents. I knew moving ten minutes away from our parents would prove to be a good decision at some point and right now, it is an absolute lifesaver! Although I'm about to lose two as my folks are jetting off on a three-week South American adventure all the way up until 3 days before my due date. Great timing! (not) Honestly it was entirely our fault, they had already booked the trip when we got pregnant...the timing is just really ironic.

I've come down with a chest cold. So, on top of being 9 months pregnant, chasing a toddler, and taking care of two dogs, a house and a husband, my body is now fighting this nasty bug that has me coughing up gray boogers and all but bed-ridden. It's not my finest moment. This pregnancy is far from glamorous and I am just now realizing how easy I had it the first time around.

First pregnancy I worked out till I was 8 months pregnant and even after that would still take regular long walks with the dogs. This pregnancy I haven't so much as seen my toes or broken a sweat voluntarily since I was about 5 months pregnant. Between first trimester nausea and then a teething and/or sick baby I rarely got to the gym and even froze my membership till August. First pregnancy I hardly ever gave in to cravings and would satisfy my sweet tooth with fresh organic fruit or small morsels of dark chocolate and almonds. This pregnancy I have gotten and devoured a Chick-fil-A cookies and cream milkshake before 11am more times than I am proud of. Milkshakes are a freakin' revelation! I have never had a huge sweet tooth but something about a cookies and cream milkshake always sounds good these days. Number one pregnancy craving for sure. First pregnancy I took it easy when I needed to and took excellent care of my body. This pregnancy I am lifting a 22lb toddler every day, contorting in odd ways to get her dropped shoe or her thrown binkie, breathing like a mastadon every time I get up from a seated position.

This has been just so much harder in every way. Again, I hate to complain because we are completing our family with a little bouncing boy and couldn't be more excited. BUT I am DONE having kids after this. I'm saying it now. We are having our little four-pack family and then (assuming all parties are healthy and all goes according to plan) we are putting this chapter to bed. I will probably have to re-read some of these posts when I get a bout of baby fever in a few years but I'm confident that I will scare myself out of wanting a third.


28 Weeks: Third Trimester

Well here we are in the final stretch. Going to the doctor every two weeks now and getting so big I need a hearty push out of bed in the morning.

This past week has been crappy. I went to the OB on Wednesday and I am measuring 2cm behind, which basically means my tummy is the size it should be at 26 weeks, not 28. So if I am still small at my next appointment they will want to do another ultrasound in order to make sure baby boy is growing well. I have also given myself a hernia on my belly button, probably from lifting Lyla and running around with her. It's not major, but it could get worse and look awful in the long run. On Thusday (yesterday) I went for the dreaded 3-hour glucose tolerance test. This is a test I never had to do with Lyla because I passed the preliminary 1-hour test. This test determines whether or not you have gestational diabetes. So I sat in a lab for three hours and got my blood drawn four times, all while fasting and being fed this terrible syrup drink they give you. I wont know the results for a couple of days.

So this hasn't been the best week for me. The grand cherry on top is that Lyla has a bad cold that she picked up from her cousin on her recent visit. It was inevitable, but it is still hard to see her feeling bad. She had a rough night of sleep last night and wont eat much which is extremely unlike her. Hopefully it passes quickly.

My anxieties about having a second baby seem to be subsiding. I am still dramatically aware of how hard life is about to become, and trust me, it scares the hell out of me. BUT, I keep thinking about that little boy that is going to complete our family, and how quickly Lyla's first year has passed. Hopefully I can keep the fear at bay and cherish these last few months of being pregnant and only having one child out in the world to worry about.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

22 Weeks

This pregnancy seems to be going at rapid speed as i deal with more pressing issues. My adorable and precocious toddler Lyla has learned to walk and is now climbing, running, falling and zipping all over the place. Over the last few days she has also started teething and its a nightmare. I am pretty sure she is getting her 1-year molars and is absolutely miserable.

On the plus side, Matt and I did get away for our first weekend without the baby (and without any family obligations) since she was born.'s been even longer than that. I think the last time we got away just the two of us with no family members, no weddings, no holidays was when we went to Italy about two-ish years ago.

We went to Asheville, NC which is like a little hippy town in the mountains that is only about 4-hours away from Charleston. We ate, Matt drank, and we were merry. It was good to get away. We should do it more often but with the impending birth of our second child the opportunity seems to be slipping away from us. We don't expect another chance like that for the next two years.

Back to pregnancy news...I am getting bigger by the minute, my sciatica is also getting worse and baby boy is an active kicker. I haven't been able to get to the gym as much as I want to, nor as much as I did during my first pregnancy. I feel incredible out of shape, short of breath and exhausted. I just feel like I never gave my body enough of a break in between and that's probably the reality of it. I could only start bringing Lyla to the gym with me when she turned six months old and then I got pregnant again when she was about eight months old. I know I will get back into it when the boy is born but it just seems so far away.

Which brings me to my nerves. I am absolutely shake-in-my-boot terrified about having another baby with Lyla being so wild right now. I remember all the challenges we faced during Lyla's first year and I can't imagine how desperately helpless we are going to feel when there are two that demand my mind, body and attention. I am not excited to be breastfeeding again, which I'm sure makes me a bad mom but dear god it was so nice when Lyla started to take a bottle!

I want to do my best for both of these kids and I don't know how to do that. I am so in love with my daughter that I worry that her brother will just seem like an awful inconvenience for his first few months. These feelings will go away when I see him and get to know him, I hope. I didn't immediately fall in love with Lyla as a newborn either. I don't think I'm the biggest fan of the newborn phase. They're pretty useless. But now, even as Lyla enters into toddler-hood guns-blazing I am obsessed with her. Hopefully that happens with my second-born (everyone says it does).

I'll leave you with this bump photo:

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

18 Weeks / 19 Weeks

Here I am...again. 18 weeks pregnant and just starting to document my pregnancy.

*** I am now 19 weeks because of Thanksgiving I never actually wrote this post so here I go again.

This pregnancy has not been a picnic. The first three months were spent being nauseous, tired and generally bedridden. Since about 14 weeks I have been functional, but now I am already experiencing back pain, sciatica and some serious round ligament pain. Not fun.

The great thing is I am almost half way through already and baby boy is growing right on track. We go in for our anatomy scan mid-December and I can't wait to see our little man!

18 Weeks

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Surprise!! #2 is on the way!

We're Expecting A Baby Boy

yes, that's correct, I am pregnant again and we are due with a bouncing baby boy on April 26th. I haven't written here in a long while and there is a good reason why. My first trimester with this pregnancy has been HELL. I got nauseous about five seconds after I found out I was pregnant and have felt terrible ever since. In between being nauseous, exhausted and emotional I also managed to get two colds and a viral stomach bug. I've lost 7 pounds and am pretty rough around the edges these days. For all those people who say being pregnant with a boy make you look and feel better are LIARS.

Over the past 10 weeks I have had more help with Lyla than ever with my husband, mom and mother-in-law picking up my slack. Que the mom guilt. I am not 14 weeks pregnant and am finally getting out of it. I took care of my daughter today by myself for the first time in two months...not something I am proud of but at least it seems like its over. I am ready to resume my life.

My real thoughts on this pregnancy is that it seems too soon...I feel like I just went through all this, and I did. Lyla will be 17 months old when this baby comes and although she will be well into toddlerhood she is still a baby. I am excited and terrified to have two kids under two. Everything I keep reading and hearing from moms who have walked in my shoes does nothing to quell my fears and only furthers my panic. I barely feel like I've got a handle on this whole mom thing and now I am being thrown a newborn on top of it all.

The first question people apprehensively ask is if Matt and I were "trying". The answer is yes, but we both did not expect it to happen on the first try. It took us 6 months to get pregnant with Lyla and I was still breastfeeding so we figured it would take a few months. Nope.

Matt and I are both over the moon that we are having a boy, although I truly didn't care one way or another this time around. I am so in love with our little girl that I would have been delighted to have another. But we've got our perfect little package of one boy and one girl and I am pretty certain we are done having kids after this.

I haven't taken any bump photos yet but will start to post those soon. I will also hopefully document this pregnancy well and keep this little journal going.


Thursday, August 13, 2015

I'm Not a Good Mom

I'm not a good mom. Let's get that out of the way. Saying that gets all the pressure off, and believe me there is a TON of pressure. If I were to be judged on the bell curve of moms and wives I would say I fall in the middle-upper range. I don't give my kid junk to eat, I keep her safe and try and keep her happy. And somehow I ALWAYS feel like I am failing.

I feel like I am either failing at being a mom, a wife, or a housekeeper at all times. On most days I am mediocre at all three and have a bad attitude to boot. My poor freakin' saint of a husband works all day, comes home, straps the baby to his chest an proceeds to vacuum/do laundry/dishes etc. He is some sort of superhero and it makes me feel about two inches tall. Like: how come I couldn't have just done that?

Every day of my life with Lyla I begin with the grandest intentions of deep cleaning the bathrooms, or doing a full shop at Wholefoods and planning out delicious and healthy meals for the week ahead of time, or even engaging my child in homemade crafty educational games. Want to know how that usually turns out? haha not even close. I go to the gym most days because they have cheap babysitting and I love my enorphins. (Don't worry, I am also failing at having a flawless post-baby beach body because I love wine and carbs too much, so add that to another on my list of shortcomings). After the gym we play in her playroom...usually with the t.v. on (another fail) and I let her watch some shows while eating lunch. We play. We play some more. Then around 2pm she goes down for her nap in a fit of screams and protests and all my intentions of deep cleaning anything go out the window with the sight of my cozy bed and the promise of an episode of The Real Housewives on my DVR.

Inevitably she doesn't nap for as long as she should and I get her up, and nurse her and we start with the playing over again. Sometimes we will go out for an afternoon activity where I inevitably end up spending money (another fail) and then I pray for the time to pass quickly till bedtime. Then the mom guilt sets in that I want my baby to go to bed so I can have some peace. and the guilt over not accomplishing ANYTHING of value that day. and the guilt that I will need two (maybe three) glasses of wine to unwind and feel like myself again. Then I will cook dinner...every night I cook and that is by far my only and biggest contribution to the household on a daily basis.

After dinner my husband and I will crawl into bed at an unreasonably early hour and I will try and muster up the energy to enthusiastically have sex because, hey, my hubby is a dude and oh yea, did I mention he wants to get pregnant again ASAP?

I must fail at a thousand things a day, constantly leaving someone in the dust (my husband, the house, the dogs, the baby, myself) and feeling guilty about it all. I must be the least qualified housewife and mother on the planet and somehow my husband never complains and loves me anyway. He even tells me I am beautiful and sexy on a daily basis. He is a saint. and I am not a good mom, but then again...I don't think pinterest really prepared me for this reality. Somewhere in the sea of Montisorri activities for toddlers, and how to decorate a perfect playroom they forgot to mention how to juggle it all. How to keep a house clean, a baby happy and a husband satisfied all while looking and feeling great.

Some day I will figure it out and become a supermom...but not today. Because the baby is up and I've got to survive.


Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Buzzing Philosophical

it finally happened! a whole evening to myself!! The baby is asleep, Matt is off doing a seminar for work and I am home reveling in the silence and drinking wine by myself. So here it is...a semi-buzzed synopsis of my life as it stands.

My life is fucking incredible. Let's just get that out of the way. I live the American dream with a best friend husband who is my own personal version of Paul Rudd and a baby that could be the next Cabbage Patch spokesperson 2015. We just moved into a new house in a gold course neighborhood and pretty much all my life expectations have been met thus far. I am going to include photos of our new house here because I've been too busy to write a post about all he renovations we've done.

Okay so the house stuff is going great...those were just photos of the parts of the house that we have good before and after photos of but I will add more I promise.

Anyways...motherhood. I have literally become what I used to consider to be such a cliche. I am a suburban stay-at-home mom with a diamond on my hand, driving around in an Audi and going to the gym most days. I quietly hope it doesn't make me lame. I'm sure it does. I used to be so adventurous and now I am the picture of normalcy. Actually...I want to take that part back. Matt and I are not normal. Matt and I are the exception. Remember in that movie "He's Just Not That Into You" when Ginnifer Goodwin went all stalker crazy and told Jennifer Aniston and that annoying dark haired chick about how there are girls who are exceptions to the rules of dating. I would elaborate to make sure you're folling me but I am CERTAIN that you know exactly what I am talking about. Well..the "rule" of marriages (from what I have witnessed and learned) is this: husbands and wives have together time and they have apart time. Men typically enjoy their time away from their wives and wives like to get together and complain about their husbands. They [husbands and wives] are two separate parts of one machine that may or may not be compatible for long term. That, to me, is the "rule". The proof in the pudding, so to speak, is the statistic that we all know: 50% of marriages end in divorce. To me, this is not surprising. I have seen a LOT of couples who I would not be surprised if they didn't make it five, ten, or fifteen years from now. I am not trying to get on a high horse or anything but I am 1000% sure that Matt and I will be together forever. We are the "exception". We are the best friends that happen to have sex and raise babies together. 

Anyway...My wine buzzed ass has gotten horrendously off topic. What I wanted to talk about was motherhood. 

I am now 8.5 months into motherhood. Lyla is scooting/crawling around, has two teeth and claps, reaches out for me, and is a very opinionated little lady. More than I want to talk about the marvels of my obviously extraordinary first born I wanted to take a moment and talk about motherhood. I have written about it before on here but it has been a while. If you can't tell I am not the flower child of motherhood. Yes, I still breastfeed my infant but I will not homeschool or let her be on the boob till she's 5. Breastfeeding has actually been my least favorite part of having a baby. God help the second kid...they're definitely not being breastfed as long. If I am being honest...I fucking hate breastfeeding!......It feels good to say that. Lyla not only grazes on my tit all freakin day long but she has started this weird habit where she tweaks and pulls on my other nipple while she is feeding. She literally sucks on one nipple and grabs the other with her clawlike infant paws and tweaks my already mangled nipples like they're playdough. It's bullshit is what it is.

The reality is that it doesn't matter what she does honestly doesn't matter if she grows up to be a serial killer, I will still love her. She tweaks my nipples and goes through these awful sleep regressions and requires 99% of my attention all the time and has made my boobs soft and saggy and you know what!? I would murder for that girl. If she called and told me she accidentally killed someone, I would dispose of the body no questions asked. This is how I know I am a mom. 

You do what you have to do and somehow its worth it.