Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Patience and Privacy

I decided to write a post on these two important words after a nice chat with my best friend Jennifer. They are two attributes that I admittedly do not possess. I am the least patient person I know, besides my husband, and I am an open book on the verge of suffering from constant word vomit.This blog has given me the opportunity to be frank and open about my feelings as my husband and I begin the journey into parenthood. However, it has also posed the question:
How much information is too much information?

I began this blog not long ago hoping to chronicle the ending of my birth control and the beginning of a new chapter. So far I have enjoyed sharing my thoughts here and think I will find it therapeutic going foreward. Pregnancy and the time surrounding it is so special, however, that most people do not believe it is something to be shared or talked about. There is that very common rule of thumb to not tell people you are trying, as well as to not reveal that you are pregnant until the end of your first trimester. People do this out of fear.

The fear comes from not knowing if you will be able to conceive, not knowing if you will be able to carry a pregnancy, and not knowing if you will lose the baby or terminate due to an unforeseen condition. These are all valid fears. I fear all of these things myself. They are the unspoken "what-ifs" that every woman deals with and I am no exception. So the question is posed: do I write about it all, regardless of the outcome? Do I reveal my insecurities and my fears in the hopes that someone somewhere will read this and feel like they aren't the only ones?

I can't do this blog justice if I do it half-assed. If I blog about nonsense until 20 weeks when  I can properly reveal to the world that I am pregnant then it defeats the purpose of writing about any of it. It may sound bizaar, but I feel like this silly little blog can be my truth, the truth of how I feel and what I go through, physically and emotionally while trying to get pregnant and God willing, while I carry my first child.

The feeling that has become overwhelmingly apparent to me from writing this blog has been impatience. That is what I recognize in my own writing. It is not a quality I am proud of, but it is one that I have to deal with. I am reading this book, The Lady of The Rivers by Phillipa Gregory right now and last night I read the most profound quote about patience, women and the desire for children:
"First you have to know the emptiness of your womb, of your arms, of your heart. That can hurt. You have to have the courage to look at yourself and know the loss that you feel. Then you have to change your life to make a space for the child who will not come. You have to open your heart; you have to make a safe place for the baby. And then you have to sit with your longing and your desire, and that can be the most painful. You have to sit with your longing and know that you may not get what you want; you have to encounter the danger of longing for something without the expectation of getting your desire." - Jacquetta to her daughter Elizabeth

I took that to heart and it was a piece of writing that resonated with me because the scariest thing about "trying" to get pregnant is the fear and the possibility that it may not happen, or that it may take quite a while and effort. This whole experience might be a good learning opportunity for me, to learn to know what I want, to know what I desire, and sit and wait with patience and calmness for the cards to fall into place. That was the advise that Jennifer gave to me, to "not stress about it". It was hard for me to explain that I'm not stressed about getting pregnant, I am impatient only because I know how much both Matt and I want this in our lives. But I will try to sit with patience and just enjoy the process, as people say. In all honesty, this has been the best part of our relationship so far with so much happiness and time together just being married that I am glad we waited until now to start trying as opposed to starting right away when we got married. The future holds a lot of promise with or without a pregnancy that I should start to learn some patience, although the privacy part may not follow.



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