Buzzing Philosophical

it finally happened! a whole evening to myself!! The baby is asleep, Matt is off doing a seminar for work and I am home reveling in the silence and drinking wine by myself. So here it is...a semi-buzzed synopsis of my life as it stands.

My life is fucking incredible. Let's just get that out of the way. I live the American dream with a best friend husband who is my own personal version of Paul Rudd and a baby that could be the next Cabbage Patch spokesperson 2015. We just moved into a new house in a gold course neighborhood and pretty much all my life expectations have been met thus far. I am going to include photos of our new house here because I've been too busy to write a post about all he renovations we've done.

Okay so the house stuff is going great...those were just photos of the parts of the house that we have good before and after photos of but I will add more I promise.

Anyways...motherhood. I have literally become what I used to consider to be such a cliche. I am a suburban stay-at-home mom with a diamond on my hand, driving around in an Audi and going to the gym most days. I quietly hope it doesn't make me lame. I'm sure it does. I used to be so adventurous and now I am the picture of normalcy. Actually...I want to take that part back. Matt and I are not normal. Matt and I are the exception. Remember in that movie "He's Just Not That Into You" when Ginnifer Goodwin went all stalker crazy and told Jennifer Aniston and that annoying dark haired chick about how there are girls who are exceptions to the rules of dating. I would elaborate to make sure you're folling me but I am CERTAIN that you know exactly what I am talking about. Well..the "rule" of marriages (from what I have witnessed and learned) is this: husbands and wives have together time and they have apart time. Men typically enjoy their time away from their wives and wives like to get together and complain about their husbands. They [husbands and wives] are two separate parts of one machine that may or may not be compatible for long term. That, to me, is the "rule". The proof in the pudding, so to speak, is the statistic that we all know: 50% of marriages end in divorce. To me, this is not surprising. I have seen a LOT of couples who I would not be surprised if they didn't make it five, ten, or fifteen years from now. I am not trying to get on a high horse or anything but I am 1000% sure that Matt and I will be together forever. We are the "exception". We are the best friends that happen to have sex and raise babies together. 

Anyway...My wine buzzed ass has gotten horrendously off topic. What I wanted to talk about was motherhood. 

I am now 8.5 months into motherhood. Lyla is scooting/crawling around, has two teeth and claps, reaches out for me, and is a very opinionated little lady. More than I want to talk about the marvels of my obviously extraordinary first born I wanted to take a moment and talk about motherhood. I have written about it before on here but it has been a while. If you can't tell I am not the flower child of motherhood. Yes, I still breastfeed my infant but I will not homeschool or let her be on the boob till she's 5. Breastfeeding has actually been my least favorite part of having a baby. God help the second kid...they're definitely not being breastfed as long. If I am being honest...I fucking hate breastfeeding!......It feels good to say that. Lyla not only grazes on my tit all freakin day long but she has started this weird habit where she tweaks and pulls on my other nipple while she is feeding. She literally sucks on one nipple and grabs the other with her clawlike infant paws and tweaks my already mangled nipples like they're playdough. It's bullshit is what it is.

The reality is that it doesn't matter what she does anymore...it honestly doesn't matter if she grows up to be a serial killer, I will still love her. She tweaks my nipples and goes through these awful sleep regressions and requires 99% of my attention all the time and has made my boobs soft and saggy and you know what!? I would murder for that girl. If she called and told me she accidentally killed someone, I would dispose of the body no questions asked. This is how I know I am a mom. 

You do what you have to do and somehow its worth it.

XOXO

Lisa

Half a Year Gone

My baby girl is almost 7 months old now, and we have survived half a year with a new baby. I can't believe we are here already! 

The best thing about parenthood I've heard so far is "the hours are long but the years are short" and nothing has ever been truer and we aren't even one year down yet. It's hard to believe but Matt and I are already starting to look to the future and planning number 2 (god help me).

So, what have I learned in six months? well...I've learned that I am better at this than I originally thought. I've learned that it took me time to fall in love with my child, but now I couldn't imagine loving anyone more than I love her. I have learned to trust my instincts; to make a decision and stick to it. I have learned that consistency is key...with everything. I have learned that I am a terrible scheduler, and that may be my biggest pitfall as a parent. I can now breastfeed in public without any hesitation and have even accidentally left my boob out!!! Can you imagine EVER not knowing your titty is hanging out?! It's outrageous. 

My advice to the upcoming new moms of the world:

It's going to be rough as hell....but it gets easier

Make your man change as many diapers as humanly possible...it will help you hate him and his male genitalia less.

Ask for help

Sleep train that baby as soon as you can

Get on a schedule

Leave the house once a day

Your role to the baby is far more involved than your husbands...it's just biology. They need and want you more, and sometimes that's frustrating and sometimes it is sweet...just enjoy it and settle into your new role as mom

My idea of a good time now is silence...sleep...wine...and good food that I haven't cooked (that's a big one for me)

You may lose all the weight quickly, but getting those muscles back in shape will take a little while. Your core just went through HELL

Settle in to the chaos.

Resist the urge to play russian roulette with having another baby...now that Lyla sleeps through the night we've had some "what the hell" moments and just keep telling yourself NEWBORN, NEWBORN, NEWBORN....or NO WINE if the first mantra doesn't work

It will be difficult keeping up with non-mommy friends....they just wont understand your life and will probably pity you, and your unshowered, yoga pant-wearing exhausted self....but they'll be here eventually and then you get to be the wise older more experienced mother who wears makeup and goes to the gym regularly. So let them go to concerts and rage till the wee hours...because mommyhood is waiting for us all and when they get here, they'll know the struggle is real.

TRY to make yourself look presentable (after you hit the two month mark). You will feel much better about your life. 

There are many many more things I have learned, but my beautiful baby girl is up from her nap and mommy duty calls.

We Are NOT In This Together

Before Lyla arrived my husband and I did everything together. I mean everything...I don't think we took separate showers until I was too pregnant to fit in the shower with him. Since the baby, things have changed. We are leading separate lives. Mine is consumed with all things baby, and his is filled with everything else.

The last two weeks has been particularly difficult because Lyla has reached the dreaded 4-month sleep regression. Basically, your normal sleep routine with your little one is completely disrupted and they are back up several times a night. In our case, Lyla has also been fighting sleep with all she's got. This has led to exhaustion, exacerbation and a lot of frustration between Matt and I.

It has come to my attention very abruptly that WE ARE NOT IN THIS TOGETHER.

What I mean by this is that I, as the mother, am entirely responsible (or at least 90%) responsible for the well-being of our child. Some of you may say "well, duh!" but for me this has come as a surprise. I thought  assumed we would share parenting duties equally. Boy, was I wrong. I am now a stay at home mom and the baby is my job. I am not saying that Matt isn't helpful, in fact he is more help than about 90% of the fathers I have seen in action. He changes every diaper he can, he works from home when he can so he can be here with us, and he has a genuine gift with the baby. However, he is also a man and in being so he was born with certain disadvantages as a co-parent. He cannot feed the baby...ever. We are exclusively breastfeeding and so every two hours or so I am called upon to unleash the milk machine and feed our baby. More than just feeding duties, he, as a man, simply is not equipped with the natural instincts needed to comfort our fussy infant.

Men generally don't know what they're doing. I mean, as new parents we all don't know what we're doing but as a mother I am born with the necessary instincts to know what my baby needs. I can tell when she is hungry, tired, wet, bored, or in need of some cuddles. To my husband...they all sound the same, and the crying is unbearable. He constantly asks if I should feed her...like my tits are the magical baby mute button. It's frustrating...like, just rock her dude!

Playing the separate roles of mommy and daddy have put a strain on our relationship. I am secure enough in our bond to say that we have never hated each other more. Yes, hate is a strong word, but we're a pretty dramatic duo. We tell each other to fuck off and generally we both get over it. But, I will say that I get very frustrated when he doesn't know what to do or how to help and he gets frustrated when I am hitting my limit with the baby and can no longer speak in nice calm tones.

I am so so SO thankful that Matt and I are such a strong couple because having a baby does everything it can to break you up. If Matt and I didn't have such strong communication I don't know how we would do it.

UPDATE:: Since beginning this post things have gotten WAAAY better. We are starting to sleep train Lyla and we have discussed and coped with our exhaustion and frustration and we are in a much better place. This whole baby thing is a roller-coaster and it is constantly changing so we are changing an adapting along with it. Matt and I are best friends and can make it through anything smiling because we can talk it out, call each other assholes and laugh about it all five minutes later. Thank GOD for my husband!

XOXO

Lisa

Postpartum Sex

This is a very personal topic, but it should be talked about. After all, sex is what got me in the predicament in the first place.

A good relationship cannot be sustained without intimacy. A lot of couples lessen the amount of sex they are having as D-day (delivery day) approaches due to several factors. A lot of women All women are uncomfortable towards the end, lugging an enormous bump around all day. There is also a good chance that the woman doesn't feel particularly sexy, after all if you aren't going for a monthly waxing the chances of your vagina being in perfect condition are slim to none. Not to mention the idea of sucking a dick for HIS pleasure or getting rammed from behind for HIS pleasure while you stew in discomfort is not particularly appealing. Even Matt and I, who had a very healthy sex life took a dip in the nookie department around 8 months in.

I vowed that I would not be the woman who denied my man sex ever. I said that when the baby came I would be right back to feeling great and wanting to get laid. Well...as with most things regarding this baby I was completely wrong. I was extremely unprepared for how taxing the physical recovery was going to be, how scared I would be for the first time postpartum, and how unpleasurable the entire experience would be.

You vagina has literally just gone through what feels like a grenade going off on the inside. There's trauma and stitches and the entire twat area is like a fucking war zone. Thankfully the good doctors insist upon no sex for 6 weeks, but you better believe at six week to the day my man was ready to get back to business.

I'm not going to lie...the first time was a failure. It hurt, I was as dry as the Sahara desert and I was convinced we were going to royally fuck up my insides. I pulled the plug on the whole endeavour about five thrusts in. With anything there was a definite learning curve. So try, try again we did.
We are now 4 months postpartum and sex has just started to be enjoyable again. Matt has been extremely patient with me, but I find that my sex drive just isn't where it used to be.

I don't know if it is the lack of sleep, the raging hormones or the fact that sex now needs to be quick (which equals less foreplay) and quiet (which is no fun for anyone), but sex after baby just isn't the same. I guess the reason I am sharing all this information is that this whole experience changes every part of your life. There is no going back to what things were before, there is only defining the new normal. We now have to take advantage of the time we do have to make an effort to be intimate. Me, as the woman, had to get through the first several uncomfortable bordering on painful first times having sex after baby in order to regain a vital part of our marriage.

I do believe it is vital to make sex a priority post baby....i have also never been more terrified of getting pregnant lol.

XOXO

Lisa

The New Normal (Sleeping through the night)

I haven't wanted to put this in writing out of fear but here it goes....my baby is almost sleeping through the night!!!!

Que the happy dance!!

She now goes to bed around 7pm, wakes up ONCE at 3am to eat and then sleeps until 7am. For those of you who sleep all night every night, either with some sort of miracle baby or because you have yet to have one, you have no idea how huge this is. Since Lyla was born we have been waking up 3 times a night!!! Now, out of no where and with no sleep scheduling from us she is pleasantly sleeping through the night.

HOWEVER....and this is a big however...she makes the hours of 4pm-7/8pm an absolute fucking nightmare. She screams, and when I say she screams she wails like a banshee for no reason for three straight hours. She doesn't want to be in her swing or put down. She does want to be held and rocked and walked around the house, but even that doesn't keep her quiet for long. She also does an incredible fake out. When you think she has finally taken that binky into her mouth and fallen into a peaceful slumber, she will arise from that docile state a red-faced demon-child and scream tear-filled howls at the top of her lungs.

It is hard to say which scenario is worse...a happy quiet baby who naps easily throughout the day but wakes up three times a night, or a baby that gives you a full night of sleep but makes you want to hang yourself every evening.

XOXO

Lisa

My typical Day With a 11-week-old

My baby turns 11 weeks old tomorrow. For those who don't have children or are not pregnant, once you do/are the world forever is counted in weeks.

I realize I haven't posted in a while and that is entirely because of said 11-week-old infant. Every day is a little different and we haven't quite gotten on a schedule with her yet. I have also found out that some babies are strictly regimented by their parents from birth while others, like mine, have a basic order of operations for the day that has no concrete timing.

My usual day starts at 7am with her first feed, followed by 30 minutes of awake time before she is down again for a nap. During that awake time I try to drink a cup of coffee to rid myself of the drowsy after-effects of getting little sleep the night before.There also may or may not be a massive poopy diaper at this time, but my husband handles that. He also makes breakfast which is fantastic...after all, I am providing breakfast for our baby.

After her early morning feed I try and compose an idea of what the day ahead will hold. I find out what my hard-working husband has in store for the day and add up the total number of hours I will be home alone with Lyla. I figure most of that will be feeding, changing and napping...but I also try and fit in some tummy time (which she and I both hate doing) and some time to play. Playing at this age just really means talking to her and dangling toys in front of her face. During her naps I try to get some house-work done and watch some t.v.

The real struggle comes once 4pm hits. It's called the witching hour because your sweet predictable baby turns into Satan and is hell-bent on destroying your will to live. Lyla hasn't had a bad witching hour for almost two weeks...until last night. Beginning at 4pm she cried until 9pm. She didn't cry non-stop but she cried consistantly and nothing I did could make her stop. I rocked her, I walked with her, I put her in her swing which only made her cry harder. The few moments I got her to fall asleep she would instantly wake up if her binkie fell and start screaming bloody murder. Of course at 9pm when my husband walked through the door she was finally asleep, on me, and looked like an angel. I could've hung myself right then and there.

The whole day ends with me trying to create a bed time routine of feed, swaddle, and down in her basinet with white noise. This has worked so far and she seems to understand it is night time. How long she sleeps and how many times she wakes up at night is still kind of a crap chute. Typically, however, she eats between 9-11pm and wakes up around 2am, and 6am...this varies by two hours on either direction, some nights are better than others.

And then I wake up and do it all over again. One day I will put on jeans and makeup and have full days of activities with a happy baby that sleeps through the night. But today is not that day my friends. Today...and all the days that have come before it are about survival. Today is the day to be in my pajamas until 2pm when I change into spandex to "get dressed". Today is the day to have my tits on tap and available at a moments notice. Today is the day to be covered in breastmilk and get nothing accomplished except writing a blog post.

XOXO

Lisa

Brooke Talia Shiner

On May 15th, 2014 at 6:45pm, weighing in at 8lbs 10oz and 21" long my niece was born.

Brooke Talia Shiner

A week after she came into the world I flew up to Hoboken, NJ to meet my new niece and spend time with my exhausted sister. I spent four days there holding her, watching her eat and sleep and was just in awe of this tiny person. I also got some great practice with changing diapers. Before Brooke I had never really spent any time around a newborn and all of a sudden I became very aware of how much preparing I would have to do before my own little one arrives.

Thankfully my mom is a baby whisperer and not only raised three of her own children but as a doctor and a nurse has delivered and cared for hundreds of newborns in her lifetime. She was in the room for my niece's birth and is already vying for position in the delivery room when my time comes.It will be nice to have a helping and knowledgeable hand around when our time comes and I know my parents will be thrilled to have a grandchild so close by.

Holding Brooke and watching her in her first few weeks of life definitely gave me a better understanding of the demands of a new baby and I am certain that Matt and I will be able to handle it, with a little help of course. Thankfully my sister Sarah and Brooke will be visiting us in the next few weeks down here in South Carolina so I can get some more practice with changing diapers and soothing a screaming baby.

XOXO

Lisa