We Are NOT In This Together

Before Lyla arrived my husband and I did everything together. I mean everything...I don't think we took separate showers until I was too pregnant to fit in the shower with him. Since the baby, things have changed. We are leading separate lives. Mine is consumed with all things baby, and his is filled with everything else.

The last two weeks has been particularly difficult because Lyla has reached the dreaded 4-month sleep regression. Basically, your normal sleep routine with your little one is completely disrupted and they are back up several times a night. In our case, Lyla has also been fighting sleep with all she's got. This has led to exhaustion, exacerbation and a lot of frustration between Matt and I.

It has come to my attention very abruptly that WE ARE NOT IN THIS TOGETHER.

What I mean by this is that I, as the mother, am entirely responsible (or at least 90%) responsible for the well-being of our child. Some of you may say "well, duh!" but for me this has come as a surprise. I thought  assumed we would share parenting duties equally. Boy, was I wrong. I am now a stay at home mom and the baby is my job. I am not saying that Matt isn't helpful, in fact he is more help than about 90% of the fathers I have seen in action. He changes every diaper he can, he works from home when he can so he can be here with us, and he has a genuine gift with the baby. However, he is also a man and in being so he was born with certain disadvantages as a co-parent. He cannot feed the baby...ever. We are exclusively breastfeeding and so every two hours or so I am called upon to unleash the milk machine and feed our baby. More than just feeding duties, he, as a man, simply is not equipped with the natural instincts needed to comfort our fussy infant.

Men generally don't know what they're doing. I mean, as new parents we all don't know what we're doing but as a mother I am born with the necessary instincts to know what my baby needs. I can tell when she is hungry, tired, wet, bored, or in need of some cuddles. To my husband...they all sound the same, and the crying is unbearable. He constantly asks if I should feed her...like my tits are the magical baby mute button. It's frustrating...like, just rock her dude!

Playing the separate roles of mommy and daddy have put a strain on our relationship. I am secure enough in our bond to say that we have never hated each other more. Yes, hate is a strong word, but we're a pretty dramatic duo. We tell each other to fuck off and generally we both get over it. But, I will say that I get very frustrated when he doesn't know what to do or how to help and he gets frustrated when I am hitting my limit with the baby and can no longer speak in nice calm tones.

I am so so SO thankful that Matt and I are such a strong couple because having a baby does everything it can to break you up. If Matt and I didn't have such strong communication I don't know how we would do it.

UPDATE:: Since beginning this post things have gotten WAAAY better. We are starting to sleep train Lyla and we have discussed and coped with our exhaustion and frustration and we are in a much better place. This whole baby thing is a roller-coaster and it is constantly changing so we are changing an adapting along with it. Matt and I are best friends and can make it through anything smiling because we can talk it out, call each other assholes and laugh about it all five minutes later. Thank GOD for my husband!

XOXO

Lisa

Postpartum Sex

This is a very personal topic, but it should be talked about. After all, sex is what got me in the predicament in the first place.

A good relationship cannot be sustained without intimacy. A lot of couples lessen the amount of sex they are having as D-day (delivery day) approaches due to several factors. A lot of women All women are uncomfortable towards the end, lugging an enormous bump around all day. There is also a good chance that the woman doesn't feel particularly sexy, after all if you aren't going for a monthly waxing the chances of your vagina being in perfect condition are slim to none. Not to mention the idea of sucking a dick for HIS pleasure or getting rammed from behind for HIS pleasure while you stew in discomfort is not particularly appealing. Even Matt and I, who had a very healthy sex life took a dip in the nookie department around 8 months in.

I vowed that I would not be the woman who denied my man sex ever. I said that when the baby came I would be right back to feeling great and wanting to get laid. Well...as with most things regarding this baby I was completely wrong. I was extremely unprepared for how taxing the physical recovery was going to be, how scared I would be for the first time postpartum, and how unpleasurable the entire experience would be.

You vagina has literally just gone through what feels like a grenade going off on the inside. There's trauma and stitches and the entire twat area is like a fucking war zone. Thankfully the good doctors insist upon no sex for 6 weeks, but you better believe at six week to the day my man was ready to get back to business.

I'm not going to lie...the first time was a failure. It hurt, I was as dry as the Sahara desert and I was convinced we were going to royally fuck up my insides. I pulled the plug on the whole endeavour about five thrusts in. With anything there was a definite learning curve. So try, try again we did.
We are now 4 months postpartum and sex has just started to be enjoyable again. Matt has been extremely patient with me, but I find that my sex drive just isn't where it used to be.

I don't know if it is the lack of sleep, the raging hormones or the fact that sex now needs to be quick (which equals less foreplay) and quiet (which is no fun for anyone), but sex after baby just isn't the same. I guess the reason I am sharing all this information is that this whole experience changes every part of your life. There is no going back to what things were before, there is only defining the new normal. We now have to take advantage of the time we do have to make an effort to be intimate. Me, as the woman, had to get through the first several uncomfortable bordering on painful first times having sex after baby in order to regain a vital part of our marriage.

I do believe it is vital to make sex a priority post baby....i have also never been more terrified of getting pregnant lol.

XOXO

Lisa

Gender Equality...?

Has anything really changed since 1950? and more importantly, do we want it to?

Back in the golden age of yesteryear the gender roles were clearly defined. Men go to work, and provide for the family. The woman stays home to tend the house and children. These lines had been drawn since the dawn of man, but in our generation, women seem to think that subscribing to their traditional roles and wives and mothers somehow belittles their worth or their ambitions outside of the home. Have we, the fairer sex, convinced ourselves that our worth is best measured by our career or educational accomplishments? And furthermore, what has this done to the state of matrimony?

I have never considered myself a feminist, so those who are inclined to burn their bras and blame men for their problems had better stop reading right now. I believe in the yin and the yang of the universe, that each thing has an equal yet opposite counterpart. We believe this to be true in science and yet not in discussing social equality. Everyone has to be on the same playing field. We have gone so far as to completely ignore biological biases in gender, race or ethnicity. We are all different, men, women, different races, people from different parts of the world are all genetically designed differently. But back to my main point which is, if we assume that everyone is created with a unique set of skills, then why would it surprise anyone that women are best suited to the home?

Let us take out the antiquated presumption that women HAVE to stay home from this discussion and just talk about the present state of things. In a world where a woman is encouraged to seek employment outside of the home, are they happier? Do marriages work better with a career driven woman?

Some would argue that they are. There is definitely a sense of fulfillment you get from working and making your own money. But, I would argue that there are some unforeseen consequences.The first of which is a power struggle in the relationship between the traditional provider, the husband, and the career focused wife. When the woman makes more money, do the power roles shift? Does the man feel less like the provider and protector of his family? And does a wife feel the added burden of juggling both the home duties and the money making? I am the first to admit that I don't have the answers. My home/work situation is extremely unique because I am an entrepreneur who works mainly from home AND I am also not a domestic goddess by any means. But the question is worth thinking about. Were things easier when we all knew where we stood and what was expected of us? Are marriage and gender roles being re-written as more and more women forgo children and marriage for the money and prestige of high paying jobs? What will marriages look like in 50 more years? Will women continue to fight for equality to the point of eradicating chivalry and courting lest it be construed as sexist? And the most interesting question is, is this good for us as a species?

Welcome to Married Life

I've decided to start this blog to chronicle this new chapter in my life. My name is Lisa, I am a 25 year old private chef and owner of my own catering business: Dolce Vita Cuisine www.dolcevitacuisine.com. I grew up in Scarsdale, NY and have been living in Charleston, SC for the last two years. My husband and I are a classic love at first sight story and we got engaged six months after beginning dating. My only explanation for this is that we were born to be together because neither of us he as ever been happier.

A little about my husband: he is 31, a financial planner with his own business and a divorced father to two brown mutts whom I've grown to love. He is generous with his time, money, and love to anyone he meets and has taught me in the short two years that we've been together how to be a kinder human being. It is also worth noting that he is one of the funniest people on the planet and we are constantly laughing.

Matt Pontius and (the then future) Mrs. Lisa Pontius

Matt and Me at a lovely Charleston Sunday brunch

We got married on April 27th 2013 and I have now entered what is to be the most exciting time in my life. My husand's name is Matt, and he is my soul mate in every sense of the word. We finish each others sentences, we both work at home and subsequently spend every day together in our small three bedroom one-story house that we share with three adorable dogs. Since this is a chronicle, it's probably good if I start with some pictures. These are from our engagement session:

Presently, my husband and I have decided to move forward with our desires to start a family. We are in the last few weeks of actively preventing a pregnancy (i.e. I'm still taking my BC pill regularly). This is my last week of birth control before my "off" week, a.k.a my period and I have to admit I am really excited. This month is going to have a lot in store for us. At the end of the month is my best friend Katie' wedding in D.C. and after that we are taking our dream trip to Florence, Italy for 8 days. This is our big trip that we wanted to go on before getting pregnant and I can't believe it is going to be here so soon! This is my last chance to drink wine, eat unpasturized cheese and eat whatever-the-hell I want!

So this blog is to write the story...to document my thoughts, our worries and hopes for the future, my ever-changing body, mood swings and weight gains and hopefully the growth, birth and life of a healthy and happy beautiful baby.


Here. We. Go.!



p.s. I will post pictures from our wedding soon. I have submitted some to a few wedding magazines and they are very touchy about them being "previously published" online or otherwise. So stay tuned.